It's currently 12:42 a.m. and I am, again, plagued by pregnancy insomnia. That's okay though, I am enjoying the feeling of our little man move and have plenty on my mind to keep me occupied. Today, my thoughts are quite emotional and very sappy, but they are my thoughts and they are important ones. Tonight I am plagued by love and gratitude. My heart is swelling with so much love for those in my life who truly care that it physically hurts. So tonight, I am going to say my "Thank You's" to those who are in my heart right now.
This pregnancy has been so very difficult on everyone in my life, but I cannot imagine the pain of a mother who is rushing her daughter to the emergency room once again from vomiting, severe abdominal pain and dehydration. The wonder of if your daughter will be alright, if your unborn grandchild is going to be fine... I can't imagine that (and am thankful God gave me sons) but it is what my mother has gone through since the beginning. From that first hospital trip where we needed you to come get Wyatt, to the many that you had to take me to yourself, you have shown me that your love and devotion to your children is unending. That is the most amazing thing, I have seen so many disappointing things in the parenting world in the past few years and to see this kind of love is a constant reminder to me that I am headed on the same path. I could not be more proud of that. From day one of my parenting journey, you have been there. You were at my house washing clothes when I came home from the hospital with Wyatt. I will never forget you brushing back my hair and telling me that I'm beautiful before I was wheeled away to my c-section. Or that you stayed with me so Daniel could go home and shower after my surgery. The many times you took off work early to rush us to the E.R. during Wyatt's first year of life. The support you gave me in my constant search to find an answer for why my precious baby was vomiting all the time. The fact that you have never questioned me as a mother, you have just supported me as the mother I am. You have taken a role in Daniel's life that nobody has ever wanted to fill for him. He has never been shown the kind of love you have shown him, the love that goes beyond unconditional, the love that is simply just because. That means more to me than you will ever know. That you acknowledge how good Daniel is to me and how wonderful of a father he is when so many others have sought to tear him down. You will never know how truly grateful I am for that. I love you so much, Mom. You are an amazing woman and I am so glad that I have you to look up to.
To my brothers and sister: I am grateful for all of the help you have given Daniel and myself during this pregnancy. From the concerned messages on Facebook, cooking me food because I can barely get off the couch from pain, watching my son while I am at the hospital and keeping him for us overnight so we can sleep when we leave the hospital. I love you all so much, just because I do. No one on Earth will understand the bond we have together. We can fight all we want, but we're still there for each other when it counts. My life would be miserable without you all. I simply love you all. Even you Thomas, even though you won't let me tell you, I can write it here. Because it's true. I love you.
My wonderful son who has no clue what is going on, just that mommy is sick. For the hugs when I am sitting in the bathroom floor hoping the vomiting is over. For the time spent curled up in bed watching a movie because mommy can't move very well without pain. For the normalcy of tantrums and diaper changes. For the kisses and raspberries on mommy's tummy that get your brother moving and remind me that I am a giant jungle gym for my children. For the absolute and unconditional love you give me. You are everything to me, my light and my joy. I cannot imagine loving you more than I do in this moment and know that I will love you more tomorrow as I watch you grow. You have filled my life with a beautiful light, you are an amazing person and will always be my shining star. I adore you.
Daniel, I don't even know where to begin. We have gone through so much, and we have had our fair share of problems. This pregnancy has taught me to trust in you completely, you have my best interests and the best interests of our children at heart. I have seen the worry in your eyes while I am being pumped full of IV fluids, morphine, several anti nausea medicines and sent for ultrasounds to make sure I am not dying from complications of my gall bladder disease. I have seen the pain etched in your face as you hold me when I get sick, as you clean up the mess and get me in the shower. I have hurt for you knowing that you so badly want to fix this, to make the pain go away and the sickness disappear and yet there is nothing you can do. As we near the end of the pregnancy, your concern grows stronger. I'm tired, I'm emotional, I'm weak. I have some of my strength back, and we are enjoying that with our family outings and me being in a much better mood. But I am not 100% as we had hoped I would be. You have been through so much and I am so glad to have had you by my side. There is no one I would rather have beside me during this time. You are my rock, but it's okay to break down. It's okay to admit that you have had enough. It's okay to think I'm crazy sometimes, or that I'm irrational. It's okay to call me out on it too! I know it. I know you are just as tired as I am. The sleepless nights I am about to endure from having this baby are very welcome, I would much rather be exhausted from nursing than from gall bladder attacks. And I know that you understand that. I love you so very much Daniel, you mean the world to me. You are my other half. There are no words to describe my love for you, it is just there and it is the strongest and surest thing I have ever felt. That love has brought us together, it has pulled us through difficult times and it has given us two beautiful sons. It will never, ever fade.
Nobody knows what this pregnancy has been like except for those of you mentioned. Some know bits and pieces. Others are blind to the problems altogether. I have heard a range of "I love being pregnant!" to "You still have a few more weeks of being comfortable left!" from both strangers and family members yet. The phrase "You haven't even gotten to the hard part" has become offensive to me at this point. This whole pregnancy has been hard, harder than most people could ever imagine. And it's almost over. I finally have some of my strength back. I have some of my appetite back (though not much). I have some of "me" back... And I am doing my best to enjoy these last few weeks. And nobody but those mentioned here are aware of the beauty of that thought, that I could enjoy any of this pregnancy.
I love you all. It really is that simple.
No comments:
Post a Comment